Anonymous asked: A friend of mine, (male, I'm female) went out with a girl I know for 11 months, and they were really close, despite their messy relationship and personal issues. They both have depression, and both had previous problems such as molestation and physical abuse. They broke up just before our formal, at the end of last year. His ex, about a week later, started going out with another guy, and they're now going steady. She lost her virginity to him, which really upset my friend, because she refused to give it to him. He's messed up pretty badly, overanalyses everything, and cuts quite regularly. We've become really close since the breakup, and he tells me everything. We talk and see each other all the time, he's practically my best friend, and about three months after formal, I found myself falling for him. I told him I liked him, and I asked if that was okay. He said it was fine, he wouldn't be a jerk about it or anything. He then called one of our mutual friends and proceeded to tell her about how much he didn't want me to like him, how he didn't like me back at all, and if he ever did, he didn't see it ending well. The mutual friend then passed this information on to me. I felt really hurt that he couldn't just tell me this himself. Since then, (it's been about two more months) we've become fast friends again, and I think he thinks that I don't like him anymore, even though I do. I get mixed signals from him all the time, sometimes I think he really might like me, (such as when he sends me nice letters in the post, or gives me little presents, or asks to hang out with me all the time) but other times, I think he hates me, because he can get really nasty, and his moods are extremely unpredictable. He told me once that he cut because of me, and at one stage he burnt everything I'd ever given him because he overanalysed when I didn't talk to him for a few days, thinking I didn't want to be his friend anymore. He went to Europe for two weeks with his school, and kept trying to contact me while on the other side of the world. The other morning from Europe, we were chatting online and he was in a really bad mood, because we only had two hours to talk, I had to go at a certain time. I thought this was plenty of time, but he disagreed. Anyway, I tried to make it better, by, when I had to go, I said, "Bye, love you" as friends, because we've said that a couple of times to each other. It holds pretty big meaning, for both of us, and basically shows how much we care about each other (platonically) and that we won't abandon each other. He responded to this by saying "Whatever" and signing off. I realise he was in a bad mood, but still, it shattered something in me. I don't know whether to stop being friends with him, (because he constantly fears that I'll 'abandon' or 'leave' him) or to stay friends. He makes me feel like crap a lot of the time, but when he's in a good mood, I'm over the moon, and truly happy. I really do value his friendship, and don't want to lose it. I find that my moods match his, when he's sad, I'm sad, and when he's happy, I'm happy. I'm not quite sure what to do, what do you think? Thanks Jen!
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I’ll address your second message first: No worries about the “Thanks, Jen” part. All if forgiven.

Now..

While I understand you care for this person deeply and just want him to be okay, having your happiness hang on his moods is not good at all.Ignoring the fact that you take an interest in him as more than a friend..He doesn’t even seem to have a steady hand in being a friend with you. It seems that, regardless what the cause is, he really is not in a time and place in his life where he is able to handle a relationship genuinely. He needs to know that his behavior affects you gravely even as a friend and should not flaunt his highs and lows at you for an advantage. Unfortunately, unless he responds to your voice (when/if you talk with him about this), I don’t see how there is any other way. I personally would try to distance myself from him if he continues this ‘play’. You deserve to be happy. Happiness is yours, and you are in charge of it. So please don’t put all of that weight on someone else, let alone, someone who has seemingly extreme highs and lows. Let it be known to him that if he ever needs you, you will be here for him, but that his emotional rides are exhausting. I feel as though..in his highs, he tends to be sweet and a little clingy because you’re the one who’s been sticking around with him, and he may be taking that for granted.

As for his being upset about his ex not giving her virginity to him.. He shouldn’t be broken about this because he should understand that she is entitled to her body and decision. And she should give it to someone she is comfortable and willing with. If he feels that he deserved it, then he needs to recheck himself. (Not trying to sound mean-spirited; this is the truth).

I hope I have offered something helpful,
And I wish you best of everything!