I just, don't really know how to start. It's about boyfriends and relationships. I've never had one, but generally just can't stop thinking about it.
My parents don't love each other, but they are still together. Whenever my dad tried to be affectionate my mum brushed him off. And we never spoke about our feelings in our family, it's like a sign of weakness. I've been brought up with this belief that being dependent on a guy is wrong, and that we have to be independent. So that's what I am. Independent. But then, as the youngest, I'm treated as if I'm 12 (I'm actually 18). And because of this I don't feel old enough for a boyfriend. But I actually am. but my siblings don't have boyfriends/girlfriends. My brother sleeps around and thinks its amazing. But that makes me scared, because as I've never had a boyfriend I've never had a first kiss or anything! At all. And on one of the first days at university, a guy thought we were going to sleep together and now I can't really. I don't know. Like even talk to a guy. Because I'm ashamed. I think if any guy actually talks to me (which is rare) then it must be for a joke or to be polite cause I'm ugly.
I just find it really hard to open up. I tell me friends at university that I had a boyfriend at school but I didn't.
I don't want to end up alone. And I'm just scared that I won't ever be able to get past this feeling that I get whenever I'm around guys. I compare myself a lot to celebrities so continuously tell myself that I need to lose weight and be prettier. My family are always saying how big-of-a-face I have and yeah, I joke about it with them cause if I show that I'm affected then they'll just laugh at me.
I just don't want to be afraid of guys. And be confident.
I know that it's a confident issue, but I know who I am, and what I want from my life. And then there are girls who don't and seem to think that they have confident issues but somehow have a boyfriend. I don't think I'm good enough for any guy.
Blaaaaah. Sorry. I just don't know what to do. And basically wanted to tell someone.
Firstly, take a breather. You’re okay. You’ll be okay. And I’m not just saying that. This ruminating will only dig you into a deeper hole. From what I read, it sounds like you don’t deal with any kind of intimate relationships in your family. So it is a tad expected that you feel awkward and scared of it with other guys, or just people in general, when you’re with them or interacting with them. While it’s normal to be curious about having a relationship and not wanting to be alone, you must stop and think for a second. You’re 18! You have so much time to grow and explore! You have no worries because it is good that you’re working through this now, as you are supposed to—being a “babe” in the “real world.” I know it’s difficult to open up, but maybe try doing so with your friends first, then work your way into your family. Tell them how you feel about jokes made about a certain part of you, and how you feel. It’s not weak. I know where you are coming from as your situation is very similar to my personal experience. It’s actually much stronger and braver to express what you feel/think that to conceal it away and ignore it. Also, we all compare ourselves to celebrities and other people. We’ll always think, “I’m a little less thing and that than this person”..so and so. But try to focus on what you like about yourself—pink round toes, un-bruised shins, flat and fair fingernails, soft curve of the ear, etc. Focus on you—that good that you like. Don’t say there nothing, because then you’re not even trying. You already said it—you know that it’s a confident issue. You know who you are. You know what you want. You are already so ahead of so many—this is beautiful. Now embrace that and let yourself believe in yourself. Trust in yourself. Know who you are, see who you are, like parts of who you are..then work your way to more. A relationship isn’t just something that makes you feel “Oh, I am wanted,” but rather it is much more complex and hard-working and deep (or at least it should be, rather than a shallow connection). Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean that you’re automatically wanted and fulfilled and complete. No way. It doesn’t validate your identity at all. Let yourself be happy and learn to know what is happy to you. Then later, a boyfriend will come and continue to help you with you being happy. A boyfriend doesn’t make you happy. You happiness depends on you. Seize it. Reading what you’ve shared, I know you’re brilliant. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget yourself.
Thank you very much for sharing with me,
Complain/rant/sigh all you want,
I’m here.